How come nobody is cranking out any manifestos? Maybe it is about time that I write one. I know some of you are reading this cross-eyed and thinking, “What the hell is a manifesto?” A manifesto is defined as: A public declaration of principles, policies, or intentions, especially of a political nature.
Sure I have no idea what my manifesto would be about but it seems like it has been awhile since anyone has written a popular manifesto. I feel that I just seem to be the right guy to write the next great one, nobody has really tried recently. Sure the Unabomber attempted to but honestly who can take anyone seriously that ended up being a Will Ferrell character on SNL?
I read some of the Unabomber’s diatribes now and can only hear in it Ferrell’s voice which totally ruins my ability to take it seriously at all.
In order to write a manifesto I feel you need three key things.
1) A beard or some sort of facial hair- It just seems to goes with the territory, for some reason nobody will even consider your manifesto if you don’t have facial hair. You could write the most profound thing ever but if you have no facial hair or have like one of those prepubescent ” a caterpillar died on my face” type of ‘staches then you are screwed. (You know the one that Mexican teens and young white people that appear on the show Cops have?) I have decided to start to grow my facial hair out with the hopes of having the full beard by the time my manifesto is ready. It is kind of strategic, I don’t want to finish my manifesto and then have to wait an extended period of time to grow a beard.
2) You need to hate someone or something- My candidates are left handed people, adult Harry Potter Fans, women that watch Sex and the City, NASCAR fans, parents that bring their kids to adult movies, people that make out in line, or numerous other groups of people that I have shown my disdain for. Or I thought about throwing everyone a curveball and just hammering people with Jesus fish icons on their car, these people might be the worst drivers on the face of the earth, maybe they should get off the road and pray to Jesus for driving lessons. Or how about coming out against people that place campaign bumper stickers on their cars? I refuse to take anyone’s political opinion seriously if they have a campaign bumper sticker on their car from four years ago. All that tells me is that you either:
-Couldn’t afford a new car in the last four years, what does that say about our economy?
-That you were too stupid to figure out how to remove it.
Whichever the reason is it is enough for me not to listen to you.
3) To be marginalized during your day and then held up as a genius after your death- Every great manifesto is looked down upon during the writer’s existence then held up as being genius after their death. Wait that would suck, I want to be recognized as a genius while I am alive.
Guess I need to go back to working on something that is more culturally relevant that will allow me to be hailed as a genius, my script for the next great porn epic…
Pirates 2: I’ll Shiver Your Timbers
What group of people should I write a manifesto about?