I have procreated and have kept a life alive for six months. Personally I think it ranks right up there with anything I have accomplished in my life including eating two garbage plates in one sitting, jumping onto a wicker table and vaulting myself through a door, and navigating around Moscow without getting killed. However, it doesn’t trump my hole in one, let’s face it anyone can knock out a kid but a hole in one is really impressive.
Anyway it’s time to take stock at this point in the experience thus far. Here are some things I have come to understand about raising my first child.
The first 6 weeks are the shittiest 6 weeks of your life.
I can’t overstate this enough. You go from getting some sleep to getting no sleep, to having this little ball of need just suck of your wife’s life force, and it needs nearly complete attention. Meanwhile your wife is recovering from what can only be considered a mix between running a marathon and fighting in the UFC. (I’d like to state the misery a man goes through pales in comparison to what a female goes through.) Mix in a bunch of people wanting to come over and help then quickly disappearing two weeks later….
The first few days you are like, “Oh it’s my kid, I’d do anything for it.” A month in you get to the point where you understand why people shake babies, not that you’d do it, but you understand. At this point you are beginning to question your marriage, why you had a kid, and pretty much every single life choice that led to this moment… Then they look up and give you a smile.
Sure it might be gas, it might be them discovering they have facial muscles that can be used for more than sucking and screaming. But that gives you a little ray of hope there. It’s like they have an innate ability to realize when you are considering leaving them behind in a Chili’s.
Everyone has an opinion on what you are doing and how you are doing it.
I think childbirth and raising a child are the only activities you go through in life that you have zero idea what to do going in and then as you experience it think you are an automatic expert. There is no way to tell if you are any good at it of course. But that doesn’t stop anyone that has gone through it from having an opinion. The thing is like 80% of the decisions you make are completely based off of trial and error. Like discovering your kid wants nothing to do with a pacifier but will gnaw the ever living crap out of a cloth shark.
You eventually get to a point where you realize nobody knows what the hell they are talking about and that every kid is different. Which leads you to understanding that…
Mommy bloggers are the devil.
Fuck them, don’t rely on anything that you search for that comes up on a mommy bloggers site. These are people trapped at home trying to create a level of self importance when in reality they don’t know shit and are completely attentions starved.
It’s really fun to see them get into food.
You get to jam random things into their mouth and see their reaction. Which is adorable and entertaining.
Then your wife thinks it would be interesting for them to try curry and this happens:
Which is not adorable or entertaining….
Never give a baby curry. Trust me I’m an expert, I had a kid.