First of all, I don’t want to shit on people who are getting their workout on. For some people maybe Crossfit was the key to getting them in shape, losing the weight they always wanted to lose, or just leading them to lead a healthy lifestyle. That’s cool. Also I am not going to use this post to talk about the increased injury rate we’ve seen with Crossfit, Rhabdo, or the whole idea behind Crossfit just will lead to more injuries because it’s about quantity not quality.
What I am going to talk about is that Crossfit is a cult, and historically cults never end well. I know what you are saying, what do a workout program and a religious group that brainwash people have in common. More than you think.
1) A love of Nike
The only people that like Under Armour are military people in movies, everyone else wears Nike. Crossfit people love Nike and the Heaven’s Gate cult all wore Nike shoes, the cleanest fucking Nike shoes ever I might add. I mean I buy a pair and within a day they are covered in something. You have to give these people credit for maintaining their kicks.
2) Their own special drink
Crossfit people are way into protein shakes and energy drinks. People in cults love Kool-Aid. While I am also a drinker of protein shakes after working out energy drinks scare the shit out of me. I was playing in a hockey tournament where they were giving out free energy drinks. Due to the fact I had four games in a day I had three throughout the day. The color of my pee changed to like neon yellow, close to the color of Mountain Dew. I got the shakes about halfway throughout the day and I am completely convinced they gave me a third nipple.
3) Their own vocabulary
Crossfit has the WOD and other terms they repeatedly use. Cults use terms like auditing, thetans, and… oh wait. Yeah Scientology is a fucking cult, or a massive science fiction role playing game. Whatever the case, it is bullshit.
4) People don’t shut up about it
People that do both continually talk about how great it is relentlessly and always try to make you join. In reality you shouldn’t join either because ultimately they are both cults, and cults never end well.