Dear Bald Man Ahead of Me in Line,
Dude, we need to talk. Before I make a few points I have to ask you some questions so please be patient.
1) Are you a pirate? Do you rape and pillage, sailing the seas looking for booty? I don’t think you are because you don’t have an eye patch, peg leg, or a hook for a hand. Nor is their any visible signs that you have had a parrot on your shoulder.
2) Are you a wrestler? Do you fake fight for a living? I kind of doubt it because you aren’t that big and I didn’t see any needles hanging from your ass from where you inject steroids.
3) Are you a biker? Do you ride a hog? Judging by the crappy ass retail store shirt you were wearing and the worn out loafers I have to doubt the idea of you owning a hog.
4) Are you Ving Rhames? You aren’t black and I don’t remember you playing Marsellus Wallace, so I don’t think you are him.
Well if you answered no to all of these questions then let me tell you something.
REMOVE THE HOOP EARRINGS FROM YOUR EAR.
You can’t shave your head and have hoop earrings unless you are the following: a pirate, a wrestler, a biker, or Ving Rhames. For anyone else it is totally unacceptable, in fact I am offended that you were wearing them. If I didn’t have a sub sandwich and an Arizona Ice Tea in my hand I would have gone up and yanked them out of your ear. But since that required me to bend down and place my awesome roast beef sub from Wegmans on the ground I decided against it.
Also for future reference, just because they have a checkout stand in the sub shop in the grocery store doesn’t mean you can bring 20 items for them to ring you out. When everyone else is in line behind you just with a sub and a drink and you are ringing out an entire basket of stuff it is a dick move. You know how you can tell it is a dick move?
Remember when you went to put your basket down there was no place to put it? You had a look of utter befuddlement because it isn’t a normal register, it is the sub shop register for people buying subs not your personal checkout because you were too fucking lazy to buy your groceries after you purchased your sub or brought your bags with you to buy your sub. They don’t have a place for you to put the basket because it isn’t socially accepted. Have some respect for your fellow man and let them buy their tasty subs so they can get back to work. When you pull this shit during the lunchtime rush it makes me want to grab that bag of apples in your hand and individually shove each and everyone one of them up your ass using that bottle of Tabasco sauce as lube.
Make these changes in your life Bald Man Ahead of Me in Line and we will all be better of for it.