(Note: I do not condone drunk driving in anyway, shape, or form. I just want to make that clear before I tell this story. )
So far all the drunken mistakes stories have involved me in some way shape or form. This story is one that doesn’t involve me at all. The thing is I have heard this story so many times and it is so damn funny that I have to share it.
My friend Squirty went to college at the State University of New York at Brockport. Now Brockport isn’t the toughest school to get into. If you can fill out an application and if you have a pulse you pretty much are a guaranteed a spot in their hallowed halls. While at Brockport my friend Squirty got into the greek life pretty hardcore. He used to regal us of tales about the Bong Olympics and his clutch performances in those games. In fact he was like the Bruce Jenner of the Bong Olympics. He also used to spin yarns about how out of control greek life was there. His favorite story was about the night he got pulled over on the way home from the bar.
Squirty was on the way home from a night of drinking at the bars. He had gone out right after work so he had his car with him. Instead of leaving it at the bar he decided to bring it home because he had to work the next day. Little did Squirty know that one of his headlights was out.
On his way home Squirty got pulled over about five houses down from his house. The cop came to the car window to talk to him and smelt the alcohol. This would be a good time to share that Squirty had been drinking a little bit and while out decided to buy a bag of weed from a friend, which was currently in his front pocket. (I never said my friends were smart.) After running his license the police officer decided that Squirty needed to do a field sobriety test.
The office came back to the car and asked Squirty to step out of the car to administer the test. When Squirty did this he realized that he had been pulled over in front of a rival fraternities house and they were having a house party. Because it was a house party the front porch was full of people that were intently watching the situation.
For the first test Squirty had to reach his head back and stick out his arms. With his head still back he had to touch the tip of his nose with his index finger. He leaned his head back and accomplished the task. As soon as he did it the entire porch exploded with applause.
Next up was the walking a like heel to toe, heel to toe. Within four steps he stumbled a little and couldn’t get the concept of going heel to toe the entire porch let out a groan. Squirty at this point was shitting himself for multiple reasons, he knew for sure he was going to jail for drunk driving and shortly after the cop searched him drug possession was going to be added to the list.
For the final test the cop asked Squirty to recite the alphabet backwards from P. He started to do it when people on the porch started chanting, “We can’t hear you, we can’t hear you!” At this point the cop couldn’t hold back anymore and started laughing. He asked him where he lived and Squirty said four houses down. He agreed to follow him home and if he left his house at all rest of the night he would be arrested. Someone got off very lucky.
Moral of the Story: If you are going to get pulled over for drunk driving make sure it is in front of a crowd? I uh guess that is it.