(Written in 2008 as a bachelor.)
On occasion I wish that I could be female…well an attractive female. Mostly whenever I get pulled over for speeding, have to wait in line, or when I want someone to buy me a drink. When you are an attractive female all those situations are improved by your looks. The only other time I wish I was female is when I leave a strip club because easier money has never been made.
Being a stripper is a license to basically print cash, well except if you turn around and invest it in coke or meth. Even if you are a crappy stripper you can make money, but if you are good at what you do you can really make some sweet cash. The thing is when I occasionally go to strip clubs these days I see women not having an understanding of how things work. So I decided to put together a handy dandy guide on how to become a better stripper.
Make me feel like I can sleep with you- This is rule number one because this guides everything else you are going to do. For some reason men get it in their head that if they spend enough money on a girl she is going to fall madly in love with them, which just isn’t true. But so many strippers don’t give off this impression; they act like they are better than the guy at the club or just act really cold because they hate men at this point. It is just bad for business to carry around a negative attitude. You need to make me feel if I somehow give you $200 dollars it will lead to a wild make out session where you are going to say, “I don’t usually do this but here is my number.”
Walk around and talk to people- This is something that happens in successful strip clubs the girls will walk around and talk to various people at different tables. For some reason this doesn’t happen too often anymore, you shouldn’t make me approach you because it is awkward and requires a level of drunkenness or confidence. By coming over to my table it makes me feel like you are making the first move, which is always good. Plus by playing the part of the aggressor you have the advantage, people will feel obligated for you to give them money.
Never talk about your kids- It isn’t a sob story that motivates me to give you more money, it is a massive turn off that makes me reevaluate why I am there. It is a totally inappropriate time and place to bring up the fact that you have seven kids running around at home. If we were in the outside world and making casual conversation the story about little Johnny setting fire to the drapes would be hilarious. But when I am dreaming about you grinding on my lap while I slur drunken sayings to you this just doesn’t fly.
Your taste in music does count- This is just a personal thing but if I go to a place and talk to a girl and find out that they choose their music and not the DJ …well it weighs on me to give you money or not. In fact when I get drunk and recommend three songs you should play it makes me feel like a big shot if you pick them. For some reason I think it would be fun to be a strip club DJ, you can set the mood and tone for the evening as well as shape the music around each dancer’s personality.
I am really putting waaaaaay too much thought into this.
Anyways, current and future stripes of America you don’t have to thank me for this advice, just send me a cut of your profits. You know when you make what I make in a week in a night…
Do you have any advice for the strippers out there?
