(If you are presently dating me this is one of those blogs you don’t need to read)
My sophomore year of college was pretty great. To start off with I had pretty good living arraignments. I ended up in a “closet single” meaning I had a really tiny room but no roommate. For the second year in a row I lived on a floor that was all female except for the suite I was in. Add it to the fact that I was the only white male in the suite and I became the center of attention from the various girls on the floor, life was good. (Not to say all the girls on my floor were racist and hated men of color.)
The guys I lived with were pretty cool. They were all from NYC and covered a range of races. Mostly they ruled because they made homemade rap tapes using the B-Sides of singles that were just instrumentals. These guys would spend most nights busting rhymes over existing beats leading to the greatest song I have ever heard, “Cock in You Eye”. The chorus was genius:
Cock in your eye
Big cock in your mother-fucking eye
It was the delivered with the anger of Cypress Hill but with the originality of a sixth grader learning to cuss, not that there is anything wrong with that.
I even spit mad flow on their follow up single (Cock in Your Eye 2), dropping a verse making fun of our Arab suitemate Ovus, who looked like a chipmunk. (Side Note: Every time they show pictures of terrorists of television I look for Ovus because he had to learn to hate the United States after living with me. The chipmunk jokes always turned into “nuts in your mouth” jokes and it had to have crossed a line at some point.)
Across our hall was a suite with 6 girls in it. One of them was Missy the Lesbian. I became friends with Missy and her roommate Karen, often hanging out in their suite and going to meals with them. Karen was the ultimate Jewish girl from Long Island and was probably one of the nicest people I have ever met. Missy was from somewhere in the New England area and did not like penis. She was mildly attractive for someone that wore flannel a little too often. (It was the 90s, what are you going to do?)
Thankfully Missy had a solid sense of humor allowing me to make approximately 1,076 lesbian jokes a day. We would sit in the dining hall judging girls and rating them, even creating various scales of grading. I think five tongues or five fists was the highest rating a girl could achieve. There was an odd chemistry there that was hard to explain; maybe it was our shared love of vagina and crude humor. I really couldn’t put my finger on it.
Towards the midway point of the second semester there was a weekend of extreme drinking that included “kegs and eggs” and other all day drinking fun. I stumbled back to my floor at like 6pm on Saturday. None of my suitemates were around so I went next door to bug the girls across the hall. Missy was the only one there and she was totally hammered as well. We were sitting on her bed recounting our adventures from the day and she leaned in out of nowhere to kiss me.
The details of what transpired next are beyond hazy. I know we ended up in my room and I was thinking to myself that this was my opportunity to return a girl to “our team”. Well I did a horrible job at doing that. In my drunken state I had problems taking off my shoes so I just pulled my pants down and didn’t even bother to take them off. Which was a slap to the face for Missy and didn’t leave a good impression in her brief return to the land of dick. It was probably my worst sexual performance in my entire life for many reasons. After which Missy got up and stated before leaving the room, “I can never question if I am a lesbian ever again.”
She got engaged three months later. I’d like to think I helped her down a path to happiness.
I don’t even know what to ask for a question here.
Have you ever made a homemade rap tape and turned a girl lesbian all in the same semester?