This is an open letter to the lady that works at the sandwich counter at the local supermarket.
I am writing you this letter to inform you that I am not an object. Sure you see this manly exterior and think about me slapping you on the ass with freshly toasted wheat bread but guess what, I don’t get down like that. You need to understand that I am not an object but a person. I have thoughts and feelings… I think about the world around me and the causes of pain that people endure. I enjoy writing, reading, and talking about current events… not just banging.
No this has nothing to do with you being 45, heavily overweight, and missing a good amount of your teeth. This has everything to do with my value as a person.
I just want you to know that every time I go up to order a sandwich and ask me what meat I want then purr salami it doesn’t turn me on. In fact it kind of disturbs me, you should know by now that I don’t want any Italian meat in my lunch. Also when I say “Roast Beef” and you smile and wink at me it kind of creeps me out. I don’t want to think about what your meat curtains look like, in fact I don’t want to think about anything below your neck. It can’t be pretty…
Sure that might be shallow of me but I want you to know I look at you as a person that makes my food. Now that might sound condescending but in all reality it is such an important job that I don’t want to mess with you or hurt your feelings. I don’t want spit in my mayo, boogers in my mustard, or you giving me way too much lettuce and not enough fixins’. Plus if you cut down on the amount of cheese you put on my sandwich I might have to hop across the counter and knife you or even worse take one for the team and make out with you in the cooler. I can’t have anything come between me and my cheese.
The last thing I want to happen is you and I having a falling out leading me to have to eat at Subway. In fact I would consider driving my car into a bridge embankment rather than eating there multiple times a week. So I would like to take this time and establish some boundaries for you to follow.
Things that are okay:
You can still call me honey, sweetie, or sugar. I like it and it makes me feel special.
We can still make small talk and even exchange pleasantries.
You can leer at me and lick your lips but not when I am looking. Also you may masturbate to mental pictures of me at home but never let me know about it and make sure you wash your hands before coming into work.
Things that are not okay:
Using sexual innuendo at any time.
Leering at me when we are making eye contact.
Talking about gurgling my sperm at any point in time, sure it hasn’t happened yet but I just want to be on the safe side.
Now if you can follow these rules we will have a much better relationship. Plus I will never have to go to Subway, which is really important to me in my life. I enjoy your tasty sandwiches and would hate to have to change the pattern of my lunchtime.
Your Favorite Customer,