Every once in awhile I like to visit the website of Seventeen Magazine and see the questions that their readers send in. Frankly I feel that the answers they give these girls are usually wrong, so it is up to Uncle Bobby to sweep in driving his van with no windows to give these girls the proper advice they need. As always these are actual questions with my answers.
Q:”Can I still get pregnant from having sex in the water?”
–Stephanie, 16, Oakville, ON
A: Steph- it is a well-known fact that water kills sperm especially if there are high amounts of chlorine in it. So if you were planning on banging your boyfriend in the hot tub while your parents are out of down I give it a thumbs up.
In fact for future reference you don’t even need to use a condom anymore, especially if you have a detachable showerhead. After you get done having sex just take that bad boy off and shoot it into your love hole. The water will kill all the sperm. I know some doctors will tell you that the sperm will ride the water like a surfer all the way to your eggs but that is a lie. They get it confused with the scrubbing bubbles and how they work.
Q: “Is it normal to get pimples near your vagina? Not in it, but around where I shave?”
–Chelsea, 17, Marina, NY
A: You may want to go out and invest in some:
Q: “I’m a freshman in high school, and I’m really hitting it off with a junior. He’s so sweet, but I’ve heard rumors that upperclassmen are just trying to get in your pants. What’s the deal with dating upperclassmen?”
–Joy, 14, San Francisco, CA
A: You see Joy this is how it works. In high school if a boy doesn’t have the ability to sleep with anyone in his class or if they have already slept with everyone in their class they need to look to the underclassmen or out of town to get laid.
So be prepared that about three weeks into the relationship when you inevitably say that you are falling in love with him, like every other idiot high school girl, he will reply by saying, “If you really love me you would put my throbbing man meat into your mouth.”
I know you probably want to wait until marriage. So just remember two things… Oral sex and anal sex don’t count as real sex! They are just fun things that god made available to you so you can save it for your wedding night! (because you will never do either again after you are married)
Q: “My boyfriend and I have recently started to have oral sex. We have not yet had vaginal sex. Is it possible for me to get pregnant?”
–Anonymous, 16, OH
A: Conventional wisdom says no… But if you go down on him and he ejaculates into your mouth, then you spit it back into his mouth, and then he goes down on you and spits it into your vagina… Well you could have a baby on the way nine months later.
Just so you know this is how Ashlee Simpson got pregnant.