This weekend I had to go out to Home Depot and also to Linens and Things to find thingies for my bed so it won’t roll around. I will go to sleep and wake up the next morning with my bed like two feet off of the wall, my pillows all off the bed and me about to fall off. In order to prevent the situation of me falling between my bed and wall I need to invest in some thingies. (Maybe they are called casters, I have no idea what the technical term is for these.)
When I walked into Linens and Things I began to feel really inadequate, like I don’t have enough stuff for my apartment. I begin to ask myself questions like, “How have I lived this long without a footstool that also acts as a magazine storage bin?”
After leaving the store I came up with a list of five things I need to buy (even though I really don’t need them)
1) A coat rack- While I have hangers in my closet that serve the same purpose I feel like I need a coat rack at the top of my stairs. I feel like it makes this statement, “I own multiple coats and I feel you need to see that I do own more than one coat. You may also place your coat here next to my plethora of outerwear.”
2) A blender- The only thing I have ever blended in my entire life are milkshakes and I think I made margaritas once. However I discovered that you can buy those items at other places and really stopped putting in the effort of making either. I feel though that I am missing out on not owning one because what happens when the day comes that I really need to blend something?
3)The Sex Swing- (Available at Linens and Things in their S&M section.) If Tommy Lee can have one in his house why can’t I? I mean I have the extra bedroom. Of course I would have to leave that door shut and locked at all times. You know, just in case people come over and think it is the bathroom and walk into the room and see the sex swing, candles, and really plush red pillows all around the room. What is the deal with sex rooms and plush red pillows, are they a requirement?
4) Mirrors of Various sizes- I have a bathroom mirror and that is it. I feel like I need other mirrors throughout the house of various sizes so I can stop by them and say things like, “Damn you are getting fat.” Or on other days, “I just realized you are a damn handsome man.” Actually to be honest, I need a full length one to catch if my fly is down. I walked into work the other day and was there for a good hour before I noticed.
5) A silver serving tray- Nothing says classy like nachos and strawberry milk brought out to my coffee table on a silver tray.
What are pointless things that you have purchased for your house or apartment that you probably will never use?