(Written in 2008)
I was flipping through the channels the other night and stopped on some crappy cable news channel as they were interviewing a guy with magnificent facial hair. Now I don’t drop that comment lightly on anyone, as a heterosexual alpha male it is hard for me to admit the positive physical traits of another male but this dude had amazing facial hair.
Anyways, as he was talking a graphic appeared at the bottom of the screen that just said his name followed by “expert”. It didn’t say where he was from, what his job was, if he published a book, it just said “expert”. At first I thought that cable news has just gotten really lazy and I continued flipping through the channels but then I thought, “Damn, I want to be an expert.”
Think of all the cool shit experts get to do. They go on TV and radio giving their opinion about whatever story is hot and pertains to their area of expertise. Plus I would imagine they get laid like all the time.
Girl: So what do you do?
Guy: I am an expert on liberal economies in post world war 2 Europe.
Girl: I so want you to chef my dumper.
What makes someone an expert? This is a question that I have been thinking about for days after watching this. Most of the time it is an academic or someone that works at a think tank and to be honest those are two jobs that I don’t want. I mean I am already close enough to having a mental breakdown working on my Masters Degree, if I went for my Doctorate I would probably end up doing ritual sacrifices and wearing prairie gowns like those women in Texas. (Side Note: What is the deal with uni-brows and these ladies? Forget about yanking the kids out of there; get some Nair down there stat.)
In the field I work in (social media) people proclaim themselves to be experts all the time on their blogs or their websites because they write about the topic and once and awhile give a speech at a conference. I figured I could take that route and just proclaim myself an expert at something. The question is… what do I become an expert in?
Here are my options:
Construx- I could build anything with those toys. They are like the poor kids version of legos, but man how I loved them. However, I don’t see a lot of interviews coming my way about this.
Anal Fisting/Plunger Rape- Two of my favorite jokes to make but I have never anally fisted anyone nor have I participated in a plunger rape… However if I did proclaim myself an expert at either of these topics I would without a doubt end up on the O’Rilley Factor, I just have a feeling he is a fan.
Can Opener Technology- Nope…
Dating-This actually would be pretty easy to do. Have you seen some of the people out there talking about dating and relationships? When you look at them you know that they haven’t been laid in like twenty years yet they feel qualified to give dating and relationship advice. The last person I want to have telling me how to date is a fifty year old lady that lives with fourteen cats.
Cockblocking- For some reason I have the power to totally screw up friends of mine getting laid. I will get drunk and piss off one of the friends of the girl my friend is working on or I will say something that will totally screw them over like, “don’t you have a girlfriend?”
I think I have found my field of expertise. So what do I put on my business card?
Bobby- Master Cock Blocker or Cockblocker (is it one or two words?)
Bobby- Cock Blocking Since 1999
What are you an expert in?