(I used to live near an abortion clinic when I was in grad school… It made for some interesting trips. Originally posted in 2007)
Everyday on my way home I pass by a group of protesters outside a clinic. There is always someone there protesting abortion, which I presume this clinic provides.
Now putting any political or social beliefs aside there is one cardinal rule I live by, “Don’t get pestered.” It is pretty simple, I don’t like to be nagged, I don’t like to be solicited, I don’t like anyone asking me to do something more than like two times, and most of all I don’t like having other people’s political or religious beliefs shoved down my throat when I am trying to do day to day activities. My entire goal each day is to not be pestered, it ranks right up there with eating, sleeping, showering, and crapping.
Well the other day the world of abortion protesters crossed over to my little bubble. I was stopped at a light in front of the place where they stand and they started shouting at my car and waggling their signs with their crazy Jesus slogans and pictures of fetuses. This really pissed me off. It wasn’t like I was pulling into the clinic with three pregnant women in my back seat, I was just going home after a long day of work and class. So now I need to seek revenge, because I am vengeful and spiteful man. Here are a couple of plans that I have been working on:
Plan A: Operation sperm spreader
The concept of this plan is simple, I need to find as many women as I can in a two week period and have sex with them, leading to me knocking them all up. After a month or two I begin to bring them all to the clinic, one right after another. Each time I would roll my window down and scream at the protesters, “Look I got another one!”
While at first this seems like a winner there are some major problems with this plan:
- I have to miss a ton of work
- It is going to cost a lot of money
- I would have to find girls to have sex with me
Really I think this one is a losing proposition all the way around. Well except for the fact I totally could bang younger chicks:
Plan B: Do my own protest
Here I would show up on a Saturday with a t-shirt saying “Abortion Rocks”. Along with the t-shirt I would bring multiple to hold up:
- Honk if you love abortions
- Help control the human population, have an abortion today
- Buy 2 Get 1 Free
- Get an abortion and win a free toaster
First of all I think the free toaster thing would really increase the abortion clinics numbers, I mean I signed up for like 40 credit cards in college because the credit card companies were giving away t-shirts and Frisbees. A free toaster has got to really bring in the traffic, that would stick in the protesters craw.
Of course I would video tape all of this and put it on youtube, I mean really good footage is good footage. Now none of this would have happened if you would have just left me alone. I don’t interfere with your protesting or your right to protest and you shouldn’t interfere with an enjoyable drive home. But now it is war.
Now I am off to campus to see if I can sign out a camera for next weekend.
What do you hate being nagged about? Charity, politics, religion, sales people, or something else?