Originally Posted: December 4, 2006
Before you all lynch me and say I have no Christmas Spirit listen to my case. I think there are tons of good charities out there but Toys for Tots is one I loathe, it is broken and needs to be fixed. It’s not because their spokesperson this year is Dr. Phil, I despise Toys for Tots for one simple reason:
I hate it because it is done by the Marine Corps Reserve.
Now, wait…. I have nothing against the Marines or anyone else serving our country. But every time I see someone from Toys for Tots speaking it is always some guy that has a desk job in West Virgina. It’s never a tough Marine, it is like my earth science teacher from 9th grade. This doesn’t compel me to give anything, my earth science teacher couldn’t motivate me to study, how is this guy going to motivate me to give?
Well Toys for Tots have no fear. I am hear to help your charity. There is one simple solution to make me give gobs of money and toys:
Get real Marines from the front lines
You don’t think Sgt. Franco would be happy to get two months leave to run the toys for Tots program in NYC? Think about the press you could get by pulling some guys from the front lines and having them run the regional toys for tots office. It’s a feel good story plus it will give the men in uniform something to look forward to.
Why use real marines?
People respond better to fear than kindness
Let’s face it, if you have a Marine shouting at you to bring an unwrapped toy to a location, you are going to do it. Putting the fear of god into someone will make them do anything.
In fact I nominate Gunnery Sergeant Hartman from Full Metal Jacket to head up this new version of Toys for Tots.
He does have a love for Christmas that he can share with everyone:
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Today… is Christmas! There will be a magic show at zero-nine-thirty! Chaplain Charlie will tell you about how the free world will conquer Communism with the aid of God and a few marines! God has a hard-on for marines because we kill everything we see! He plays His games, we play ours! To show our appreciation for so much power, we keep heaven packed with fresh souls! God was here before the Marine Corps! So you can give your heart to Jesus, but your ass belongs to the Corps! Do you ladies understand?
Imagine bumping into him at the mall:
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Have you donated to Toys for Tots this year?
Me: No I haven’t y….
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Get the fuck out of my food court. Now. Move it. I’m going to rip your balls off, so you cannot contaminate the rest of the world. I will motivate you, if it short-dicks every cannibal on the Congo.
Me: *Laughing * Uh ..ok… whatever..
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: You little scumbag! I got your name, I got your ass! You will not laugh, you will not cry, you will learn by the numbers, I will teach you! Now get up off your face! You better unfuck yourself before I unscrew your head and shit down your neck!
Me: What do you guys need, a playstation 3?
So there you have it. My contribution this year to Toys for Tots is this simple suggestion to overhaul their program. Sergeant Hartman is in fact ordering you to get off your asses and donate: