Back to my whole dating experiment thing. After seeing the wretched mess that is craigslist I decided that maybe my pimp hand, which is strong (don’t make me beat you with my shoe), needed to be used.
Now sometimes I have trouble being able to recognize red flags. Like maybe I will start dating a girl that slept with the entire band Incubus, was married to a meth addict that she met while working at a head shop, and she resides in her parents garage with like 5 kids. While everyone else in the world around me is going “what the fuck?” I just have a habit of plugging on because she is either: really good looking or really good in bed. It used to take me months to catch on and wake up, finally asking myself, “what the hell am I thinking?”
As I have aged, very gracefully I might add, my red flag detector has improved slightly. This is a breakdown of how I met a girl and the various red flags that were raised.
(Side note: I actually met a girl that was a cop and she flat out told me she was going to do a background check on me before we went on a date. The creepy meter on that was about 11, I told her I wasn’t interested if she didn’t trust who I was. The story wasn’t good enough for a blog but I figured I would mention it… randomly in a space that makes zero sense to mention it. Mission accomplished.)
How we met: My friend owns a bar where she tends bar. She was good looking and seemed relatively normal.
Positive sign: I called my friend and told him that I got her number and that we were going to go out that week. He was pretty jealous and said that he was going to ask for her number but I beat him to the punch. That validated my taste and I felt kind of accomplished.
So at this point I have met a good looking girl that had a reasonably good personality, my friends were semi-jealous… what could go wrong?
Red Flag One: She had a total inability to have a conversation. This is a sample phone conversation:
Me: Wow, I can’t believe that I got tickets to this concert I am really excited.
Her: My dog is cute.
Me: Oh, um, ok (sensing the change in subject and adapting) so your dog is cute?
Her: The sky is blue.
How can you be a bartender and have no ability to hold a coherent conversation? Or maybe I am just so drunk when I see a bartender I think they have way better conversation skills than they really do.
Red Flag Two: Absolutely zero chemistry
We would meet and go out for a few drinks and there was zero chemistry in the conversation, I was always looking to go to the bathroom or pull my friends aside to talk. She probably thinks I have IBS or something.
Red Flag Three: Someone came up and thanked me for dating her.
One of the people she worked with at the bar had previously dated her. One night the guy walked up to me and bought me a drink thanking me for hanging out with her so he never had to deal with her. First of all I have never been thanked for dating a girl, well except this one girl in high school that looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, her dad thanked me but that is a different story for a different day.
Second, even after a guy dates a girl and sees her with another guy he still feels a twinge of jealousy that she isn’t sitting at home pining over him. When a guy walks up to you and thanks you, well that can’t be a good sign right?
Red Flag Four: She didn’t know what an ipod was.
How is that even possible? It wasn’t that she didn’t own one or didn’t know how to use one, she didn’t even know it existed. What rock do you have live under to not know what an ipod is? I wonder if she knew that we were currently in a war, that Princess Di was dead, or that Britney Spears was a complete mess?
Things kind of just puttered out as I didn’t return phone calls. After a few other dates with other girls I decided maybe I should head back to the internet for a better screening process…. we will leave that for next week.
Question of the day: Are you slow to recognize red flags when dating someone?