There are certain things that happen in the world today that we can count on:
- Peeps come out during Easter
- Zack Braff will write a script that makes men look like pussies and then beg for crowd funding even though he doesn’t need it
- I will stub my toe on a random piece of furniture when walking around in flip flops
We can add one more thing to the list, if Kevin has a female roommate he will sleep with her. Since the beginning of time or when I turned 18, whatever came first, when I have had an apartment with a female roommate bad shit has happened. Today I would like to go through my history and break down how and why this repeatedly happens.
Roommate 1: Nicole- Nicole has been featured in my blog before, she is affectionately known as the craziest girl I have ever dated. You can read the background and the history of that story there, there is no need for me to rehash it again. However when I did live with Nicole I also lived with another female friend Rebbecca. Rebbecca is the only female roommate that I didn’t sleep with, when asked why for this oh so important blog entry she replied, “Where do you want me to start? First of all, I knew where you had been.”
I cut her off there, I didn’t want to know rest of the answer, I have to preserve my ego somehow.
How did it end: Nicole ended up in a mental institution and is a lesbian, way to go me.
Roommate 2: Christy- I wrote about Christy before as well but I didn’t post it here, I think it was just on my MySpace page, I was watching “Kinsey” one night in my room and noticed her in the audience in a classroom scene. I almost fell out of bed, not because I knew someone in a movie, but I could now say that I slept with someone that has an imdb.com page. That validated my entire life in some official type of way.
Christy and I both shared a common friend, that to put it mildly was completely bat shit insane. She found out that both of us needed a place to live and suggested we should be roommates. (Note to self: Never let a crazy friend try and play Realtor.) We signed the lease and moved rather quickly, the problem was that I didn’t have a way to get my furniture from my old apartment yet because I wasn’t old enough to rent a truck. So until I could get that, I was sleeping in my room in a sleeping bag. Concerned for my well being and off running around with an optometrist , Christy told me to just sleep in her bed because she wasn’t going to be around all that often.
I did that for almost a week, I had the apartment to myself which was fine. One night Christy came home in the middle of the night, so I figured I would just go back and hit the sleeping bag. Apparently she had other plans, this kind of went on for a week, all while she was still dating the optometrist. It (it=dirty monkey sex) occasionally happened after that, making it one of the oddest living arrangements ever. It was capped off with her coming home and showing me professional photos she had done of her in a school girl outfit, that one would call racy or totally ridiculously hot. She wanted to get my opinion before she gave them to her optometrist boyfriend, as they were going away for the weekend where they were going to get engaged. Yeah I can’t figure it out either.
How did it end: We broke our lease, she continued to get cheap eye exams.
Roommate 3: KT- After deciding to leave Albany, I moved back to Geneseo to live with my friends. My one friend and I decided to sublet an apartment for the summer in Geneseo while we looked for another place. We found a place through a friend of a friend, who introduced us to KT who was a girl that needed two roommates.
KT was a party girl, who was also a dance major, which meant she was bendy. After a night of drinking we came back to the apartment where my friend and I were playing another rousing edition of NHL 99. KT was hanging around talking shit, when I decided to turn to her and say, “I bet I could make you cum in under five minutes.” Within two minutes we were in her bedroom, you know where all the magic happens.
Well it didn’t happen in under five minutes, in fact I was drunk so it probably didn’t happen at all. Leaving yet another girl to sit there in bed disappointed as I roll off her, snore, and drool on her pillow. Ah, those were the days, what a regular Don Juan.
How did it end: We ended up dating for a year until she brought up the idea of me moving with her to Colorado for grad school. Because it involved commitment I had to immediately self destruct the relationship, which led to me picking up another girl at the bar and sleeping with her in her bed when she was gone on break, very mature of me.
Roommate 4: Currently this can’t be discussed, all I know is I need to find my new apartment, and um… fast.
How many of you have slept with a roommate of the opposite sex that you weren’t already dating and how did that go?