So I went to the website for Seventeen Magazine to pull a fresh batch of questions for this weeks questions answered blog. When I was on the page I noticed a banner asking the question that we all want the answer to: What’s Your Beauty Style?
I clicked on the question because I need to know what the fuck my beauty style is. When the page loaded it said, “Take this quiz to discover the look that suits your personality!” Well I don’t know what look suits my personality so I felt the need to take this quiz. Let’s break this bad boy down question by question.
1) First things first: What’s your sign? Aries
(Astrology is the hobby of idiots and bored housewives. I would just like to remind everyone of that.)
2) You’re about to debut your brand-new spring shoes. They’re a pair of:
-Zebra-print ballet flats.
-Lace up wedges- in pink.
-Beaded slide sandals.
(Uh, I am already confused and we are two questions in. I am going to go with the mules even though I have no fucking idea what mules are. Mules just sound tough.)
3) The spa treatment you’d be most likely to splurge for is a(n):
-hot stone massage
-body scrub or body wrap
(I don’t want anyone touching my feet because I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy so that is out. When I see the word facial I think of a porn star getting a load dropped on their face so that isn’t very appealing to me. Scrub sounds like work and I am lazy. So I am going to go with the hot stone massage banking that there could be a happy ending involved.)
4) Pick your celeb dream date:
(Who the hell writes these things? Seriously I mean it has to be a 52 year old guy or something because like none of these people are currently relevant. Ok Orlando Bloom has the new Pirates movie coming out. No not that Pirates:
Usher has fallen off the face of the earth, Andy Roddick just sucks now, and does anyone even care about Bam Margera anymore? I guess my answer is going to have to be Bam because maybe he will bring Wee Man along and fire him from a Cannon into my ass or something.)
5) Your favorite pair of sunglasses are:
-Oversized black plastic frames.
-A basic tortoise shell style
( I rAwK dA AvIaToRz… it took me 15 minutes to type that out.)
6) The spring accessory at the top of your shopping list is:
-A brightly colored straw bag.
-A vintage-inspired necklace.
-The hottest new cell phone.
(Oh man the cell would be nice but how the fuck could I turn down Susanna Hoffs?
I am going with the Bangles!)
7) If your life were made into a TV show, it would be most like:
(I uh, haven’t seen any of these holes. Isn’t Alias off the air? Wait isn’t Joey off the air too? What to choose? I am going to go with Joey because Forbidden is from the OC you have never seen bitch! So I can’t claim her county. Desperate Housewives makes me want to vomit and Jennifer Garner is banging Affleck which makes me just not like her. So Joey it is.)
8) You wouldn’t leave the house without:
-Spritzing on your favorite fragrance.
-Putting on your shinest lip gloss.
-Applying your basic black mascara or eyeliner.
(So at what point does this survey cross over to being kind of funny to completely gay? I think right around question number 8. Sunscreen is the least feminine thing on there so I am going with that.)
9) Which of these CDs is on heavy rotation in your room right now:
-Mariah Carey’s The Emancipation of Mimi
-John Legend’s Get Lifted.
-Kelly Clarkson’s Breakaway
(Wow the choices… I refuse to acknowledge that two of these people exist. I am going to go with Beck. Mainly because he has the shortest name to type out, I am that lazy.)
10) What’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to your hair?
-Gone an extra day without shampooing it.
-Back combed it into a high-volume style.
-Highlighted it a few shades lighter than your true color.
-Dyed it a color not found in nature.
(Where is shaving it off when you are drunk off your ass and can’t afford a hair cut? I don’t see that on the list. I guess I will go with the first one.)
Results- My beauty style is…
Like fellow glamour girls Jennifer Lopez, BeyoncÃ© Knowles, and Mariah Carey, you keep up-to-date with beauty trends, but you’ve also got your tried-and-true look. It’s feminine, sophisticated, and, yes, it’s also a little over-the-top! You’re always fully bronzed, polished, and ready to be photographed. After all, all the world’s a stage!
(Well there you have it… I am now going to go strangle myself while rubbing one out to the Victoria Secrets catalog so I feel like a man again.)