After dating breast cancer girl, having someone tell me that they killed their best friend in a car accident on a date, and other assorted dating mishaps I thought I met someone that was pretty normal. In fact I thought she was better than normal because she had an education, not just a little education, but an epic shit ton of education. She had graduated with a law degree from Berkley, instead of practicing law she decided to go back to school and get her doctorate to become a therapist. She was clearly smarter than me, which immediately gave me an inferiority complex.
(Red flag 1: Someone who is in their thirties that has never worked a real job in their entire life because they have continuously gone to school. In fact when faced with dealing with the real world they purposely chose to go BACK into school.)
She looked like a younger Catherine Keener and seemed to really have her shit together. Or so I thought.
As we began dating a few things slowly began to seep out. One was that she had no desire to hang out with my friends that have kids. Two completely adorable, well behaved, and entertaining children that were a part of my life… she wanted absolutely nothing to do with them. In fact when she saw them she had a physical reaction like the girls were dumped in a vat of HIV infected blood and had mosquitos filled with malaria swarming around them like Pig Pen from the Peanuts cartoons.
(Red flag 2: Hated cute kids.)
Also she didn’t like my dog. When my dog got near her you would have thought she just rolled around in piss and shit… wait, okay that has potential of actually happening.
(Red flag 3: Hated adorable animals.)
One night at dinner she told me that she was Baha’i and took her religion seriously. At that point I had never even heard of Baha’i and just assumed that she was going to remove an organ from my body in some sort of odd human sacrifice. Obviously I was a tad uneducated on what seems to be a perfectly kind religion. She really was adamant about me giving it a chance because if we ever got married and had children they would have to be brought up this way. I should have pushed the eject button but of course I made the choice to continue on.
(Red flag 4: The gentle shoving of a religion down my throat.)
Admittedly I have broken up with girls for less. But at the time it seemed like all of these were just small things that I could potentially look past, even though they really were meaningful to me. But whatever, she was smart and attractive; surely I could overcome this, right? Also since I recognized that I had broken up with girls for smaller reasons I should solider on and be a new Bobby Finstock with the goal of not self sabotaging my relationship. Did I mention she looked like a young Catherine Keener?
None of these red flags pushed me over the edge. I needed to see that she wasn’t better than me.
So this girl (we’ll call her therapist girl or TG for short) liked to talk about her needs and feeling, A LOT. Which at first was uncomfortable to me but after awhile it was kind of nice actually knowing what she felt, needed, and having it communicated openly… it was something totally new to me. (It also took the guess work out of the emotional roller coaster of dealing with a female’s emotions.)
However this all stopped being refreshing and unbelievably annoying when she started talking about a girl that was in her internship program whom she shared an office with. They both didn’t like each other and continually fucked with each other in a passive aggressive manner. (Welcome to the Northwest. On the East Coast they just would have stabbed each other.) At least once a week for an hour she would bitch about this girl, then analyze, and overanalyze her actions. The first three hours I kind of listened and just played along. Then the fourth time she brought it up I told her that maybe you should get on opposite schedules or look to see if they could switch office with someone else.
Her reply, “I’m not looking for solutions to my problems, I am looking to vent.”
Something in my brain snapped, I could just see this continuing on forever. For a long time because of her education I thought she was just put together better than me and was intellectually superior. All this did was confirm that she had problems just like anyone else, including ones she was causing on her own.
So I fired back, “Look you need to be an adult and make a change or you are going to keep being unhappy. It was fine the first few times you brought this up but it is happening all the time, and frankly I don’t want to sit here and listen about something you can easily fix if you stopped being a passive aggressive bitch about it. Say something to her directly or to the person that runs your program otherwise you are just making yourself some sort of bullshit victim.”
She sat there a little shell shocked, took a deep breath and said, “Look this isn’t what I need right now, I need you to meet some specific needs and you aren’t doing it. I just need you to listen and validate. If you can’t do that…”
When a door open sometimes you need to sprint through it. I cut her off and told her that I don’t believe I could meet those needs so we should break up. She asked if I wanted to talk about it I told her that I was good and I feel like we have talked enough that night, then I asked her to leave. The best part about it was my dog stood by my side and stared her down, a nice additional middle finger on her part. Out the door she went.
Another strike out by me, but at least I learned what Baha’I is.
I was getting to the point where I was wondering how much of this was my fault versus the people I was dating?