I admittedly know very little when it comes to infants. Get me a kid past potty training and I am pretty good with them, I helped raise my nephew after all. But anything before that and I have about the same knowledge base as I do around quantum physics and grammar, basically I don’t know shit.
Now while I have at times given off the vibe that I am a completely irresponsible asshole, I would like to state that I am actually a pretty prepared person. Realizing I don’t know anything I went out and bought books:
Your Pregnancy for the Father to Be
Be Prepared: A Practical Handbook for New Dads
The Happiest Baby on the Block
The Happiest Baby Guide to Great Sleep
Books then turned into classes. Lots and lots of classes. We had group doctor’s appointments that doubled as classes, there was a breastfeeding class, an infant wellness class, and pregnancy classes. The classes were often long and filled by people that would ask endless questions about really nothing at all. While I did learn some things that weren’t covered in the books, I quickly figured out why these classes actually existed:
TO GIVE YOU IRRATIONAL CONFIDENCE THAT YOU CAN DO THIS
How did these simple little classes instill irrational confidence in me? Basically by establishing the following line of thought.
- Anyone can fuck: Looking at the people in some of these classes you truly learn there is someone for everyone. There were couples in these classes that back in the days of Greece might have been shunned or thrown off a cliff but in today’s society they were together and screwing. Most of the people in these classes I wouldn’t trust scrambling me an egg let alone fertilizing one.
- Thus anyone can have a kid: If rule number one can be true than the direct product of having sex is having a kid. So by this logic, anyone can fuck and anyone can have a kid. But if you didn’t have a match there was always artificial insemination because by far the craziest person we dealt with went that route, which makes me believe there needs to be a much more rigorous screening process.
- Idiots have been having kids for centuries: If anyone can have sex, meaning anyone can have a kid, and if nobody wants to have sex with you there is still a route for you to have kids even if you are totally unqualified. Combine it with the fact that humanity has been doing this for centuries (with society being filled by mostly idiots)…. Well then I can handle this. Let’s face it, if that couple who is wearing matching Crocs are having a child I’m just as qualified.
Irrational confidence is instilled in you because of how bad other people in society are. Which at the time I took in and felt good about everything. Of course that was until I walked out of the hospital running on two days of no sleep with a fiancé who’s undercarriage was torn asunder and a new life I had to care for. The irrational confidence meter quickly went from 100 to 0.