For every story I have about a successful sexual conquest with an attractive girl, I have a matching story about a girl that makes me physically ill when I think about her. (Like the pudding girl.) My friends have given me shit about my mistakes for years including one specific person that is brought up over and over and over and over again. In fact she might as well have given me herpes because I will never escape her grasp. (Let me be clear that I in fact do not have herpes. Just a really bad case of genital warts that look like that tree guy from Indonesia.)
(Wait I should probably clear up that I do not have genital warts, it was a joke people.)
While I have lived with the shame of the occasional poor choices in the hook up department I now officially have an excuse. Beer goggles have been scientifically proven to exist. I rank this discovery right up there with the discovery of the Polio Vaccine because now I don’t make poor choices; I just have an illness that is brought on by binge drinking.
There are so many benefits to this discovery:
–I can no longer be made fun of because of my poor choices. Because it is an illness my friends can never make fun of me. Just like you can’t make fun of people with AIDS or Cancer.
“Hey Tom why are you all thin and have lesions on your face?”
“I have AIDS.”
“Looks like I know who I am not getting a blood transfusion from. So can I cross you off my Christmas card list or do you think you are going to be around then? Just kidding buddy.”
See totally inappropriate.
-The morning after will never be awkward again. Instead of getting a phone number, saying you will call, trying your best to sneak out of the room, or god forbid trying to figure out how to kick them out of your apartment. You can be blunt and tell them that you suffer from a disorder and that they really need to leave.
Of course by being vague it will send them to the clinic to get checked out for STDS. But really if you can’t have some fun with your illness how can you make it through?
This discovery is simply groundbreaking. I can’t wait for the new project that they are working on. They are attempting to prove that if you eat a thing of Pop Rocks and drink a can of Pepsi your stomach will explode.
Where does this rank in the pantheon of human discovery?