(At one point I felt like it was my duty to give sex advice to teenage girls. I mean I figure they should get used to a middle age man telling them what to do with their body…. I mean that in a political way, not a really creepy way.)
I really need to apologize to America’s youth, I have neglected you as a of late. In the past I gave you practical advice once a month by taking the questions out of Seventeen Magazine and giving you the correct answers. For awhile I forgot about doing it but now that this country is in the dumper I feel it is my duty again to educate American’s youth and tackle your tough questions. So today I am back in the saddle and taking all your questions about sex. As always these are real questions taken directly from seventeen.com.
Q: “Will I bleed the first time I have sex?”
–Catherine, 18, Houston, TX
A: Wait, your 18 and haven’t had sex yet? I don’t think you need to worry about the bleeding thing because if it hasn’t happened yet it might not happen at all. What sort of social misfit are you?
Being the sexual dynamo I am I have to say that I popped a lot of girls cherries in my day and robbed a lot of girls of their virginity, making it so I can be the guy they regret forever. However I haven’t done that in a really long time and totally forgot what it was like. So I decided to talk to my cousin Carrie and see what she had to say.
Carrie: This picture was from prom night and I just had sex… Yeah there is a little blood.
So there you have it. An honest to goodness female answer, just remember Catherine to lay down a tarp on your bed before going at it.
Q: “I think about sex a lot. Is that normal, or am I a pervert?”
–Anonymous, 13, Phoenix, AZ
A: There is nothing wrong with a girl that thinks about sex, that is exactly the type of girl I am looking for. Let me give you my… *looks at age again*…. Let me give you my Toys R Us gift card so you can go pick up some My Little Pony or whatever girls play with these days. Can I get your fathers phone number because I think we need to pour cement in your vagina just for at least another three years.
Q: “Based on your menstrual cycle, when’s the best time to have sex so you have the lowest chance of pregnancy?”
–Megan, 16, AZ
A: Ah Megan, so you are going to go for the tried and true method of timing when to have unprotected sex based on your mensies. Good for you! This is the most effective way NOT to get pregnant, the condom companies have totally lied to you about telling you how risky this is in order to sell more condoms. Just so you know the best time to do this is halfway between periods, there is this thing called ovulation that happens around then. That is a time when your body is dormant and you can’t get knocked up.
Q:”If you are using a condom and it breaks while you’re having sex, what is the best thing to do?”
–Meagan, 17, Conway, AR
A: Get a turkey baster. It is the only thing that can save you.
Q:”Can you catch an STD by kissing someone?”
–Richelle, 16, AR
A: Very good question Richelle, since i have a clean bill of health on the STD front let me phone this one in to my friend “Herpes Mouth McGee”.
Herpes Mouth McGee: Nope it is totally safe.
How can you not believe that face?
Now for the last one I am going to leave it up to you guys to give the answer:
“My mom is always bringing up sex in our conversations. She says she’s trying to educate me but it’s really embarrassing. I feel like I know everything I need to know and will make good decisions when it comes to having sex. How do I convince her of this?”
–Allie, 18, Union City, CA