(Originally published the opening weekend of the fourth Indiana Jones movie.)
In each of the last two summers Shia LaBeouf starred in a movie that totally destroyed something I loved from my childhood. Last year I didn’t blame him directly for Transformers, I clearly laid the blame on the biggest racist working in Hollywood today, Michael Bay. So LaBeouf escaped my wrath. After watching Indiana Jones this weekend I have now come to the conclusion that Shia LaBeouf is out to rape any joyful memory that I have from my childhood.
Here are five ways that he can continue on his path of destroying everything I loved as a kid.
5) He has a threesome with Kathy Ireland and Elle MacPherson
Let me just say I use to get the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue as a kid and these two women were featured prominently in it for years. They were so ingrained in my head that my spank bank didn’t need filling for years to come. In fact I was so convinced that Elle MacPherson was giving me naughty girl looks that it gave me my will to live.
LaBeouf will probably end up slathering them both with Coppertone and then make wild passionate love to them all while filming it and saying, “This is for you Kevin.”
4) Ruin every toy I play with as a kid
LaBeouf acquires a list of every toy that I had as a kid. Not only does he pop the heads off of my favorite action figures that I played with while growing up but he also uses a magnifying glass to melt each and every one.
For good measure he will probably take the time to individually key each of my favorite matchbox and hot wheels cars. Possibly even writing on the hoods that “Shia was here.”
3) Star in the movie version of Growing Pains
Labeouf stars in the role of Mike Seaver but destroys the movie because of his born again Christian beliefs. He turns Seaver into a goodie goodie and refuses to work with any hot woman because they posed in Playboy.
Wait a second… Kirk Cameron already did that. Let’s move on.
2) Destroys my childhood hero
In a congressional hearing Shia reveals that Michael Jordan did steroids, threw basketball games, raped my kindergarten teacher, did crack before games to give him an edge, and made a habit of tittie fucking Charles Barkley every All-Star weekend.
Say it ain’t so Mike… Say it ain’t so.
1) Remakes Teen Wolf
There is one movie character that can never be recreated, coach Bobby Finstock in Teen Wolf. Labeouf will decide to buy the rights to the movie and star as the Michael J. Fox character. Thinking that the coach needs a little more urban flair he hires Whoopi Goldberg to play the part of Coach Finstock officially ruining my favorite person in any movie ever.
Then to top it off he hires Spencer from “The Hills” to play Styles, killing off any potential of Styles being funny at all. Plus Styles will continually have the same look on his face the entire movie just like Spencer does week to week.
I look forward to Shia Labeouf having a long career of ruining everything I love.
What childhood memory can Shia destroy for you?