A few years ago I embarked on my continuing social experiment of trying to find the best source of quality women to date by going to a speed-dating event. I had the preconceived notion heading in that speed dating would be a complete and utter freak show. In my head it would be filled with former lesbians, bearded women, and the girl that works in the basement filing paperwork all day occasionally masturbating to pictures of Channing Tatum at her desk. I wasn’t completely wrong.
First of all there were more women at the event than men (10 men vs. 14 women), which I guess was good for me especially when you break down the women.
4 of the 14- In Roman times these four women would have been tossed off a cliff so they didn’t weaken the gene pool.
2 of the 14- I call this the “I wear horribly inappropriate clothing for my body type” group. We come in all shapes and sizes, I am far from slim and far from morbidly obese but I recognize what I can and can’t wear clothing wise. When your cleavage and fat roll combine together to make a breastgut, which you show off by wearing the tightest shirt possible than you need an intervention
4 of the 14- Dateable, attractive, and I would go on a real date with them.
4 of the 14- The other four are severely lacking a personality and probably are owners of multiple cats.
4 out of 14 isn’t horrible I guess. I should also point out that 2 out of 14 were psychiatrists. I am not sure what that tells you about that field of study. On the flip side this is what I was up against. (Not including myself.) Now mind you this is just based off of looks, I didn’t actually talk to any of the guys.
2 out of 10- Two of the guys were pretty well put together. Groomed and dressed decently. You can tell they showered, which can’t be understated.
1 out of 10- A guy wearing a Cosby sweater.
1 out of 10- The event was for people 29-39. There is no way this guy was under 45. In fact he looked like the dad from “Just the Ten of Us”.
1 out of 10- Shaved head, goatee, and an arm sleeve of tats, the bad boy of the group. He had a ton of attention before the event started from the ladies that were there early. Women love guys that potentially suffer from hepatitis, it is just a fact.
4 out of 10- I am going to just assume that they were virgins.
The format was that each person would go on a ten minute “date”. Guys would rotate through table by table while the women stayed stationary. Each person was given a sheet where they wrote down notes and had a check box if they wanted to go out with that person. Each party involved protected these sheets like nuclear launch codes. I wish I could say that each date was memorable and interesting but it was far from the case. Here are some of the highlights.
-“The Party of No”- Occasionally you could sneak a look at the other person’s sheet. I caught one sheet by someone that fell into the cat group. She had met with seven guys so far and gave them all a no. This really made me think a couple of things. First thing is: how bad were those other seven guys? The second thing is what the hell were her criteria? Did she realize she is on the path to dying completely and utterly alone? Did she think her cats would not like the guy?
-“Miss Overly Enthusiastic” There is nothing worse than fake enthusiasm. When you play up the fake enthusiasm to a super level that is blended with desperation and the smell of someone’s ovaries drying up it is frightening. Personally I want women to be completely aloof and not interested in anything over someone that is interested anything I say or put in front of her.
(This is what the conversation sounded like in my head.)
Me: So I made toast this morning.
Her: TOAST is the single greatest thing ever!!!!! What did you put on it? Please say grape jelly, please say grape jelly… Do you think our kids will like grape jelly? Please fill me with your seed.
-“You don’t mind if I eat?” The weirdest moment came when one of my dates had a plate of food delivered to her, which she promptly destroyed right in front of me. Is there anything more attractive than watching someone knock back a baked potato like they have been stranded on an island for a decade? She couldn’t wait an extra half hour to eat? This has to be some sort of violation of speed dating protocol. Can someone dig up Miss Manners and ask her?
-“Shelly Duval” One of the last few “dates” that I had was with a woman that looked like Shelly Duval. All I could think about was “The Shining” which led me to think about those creepy little girls. It freaked me the fuck out.
In the end on my little sheet I checked that I would like to be set up with three of the people. They have to check on their sheet that they are interested in me in return in order to be set up on a “date”. I don’t know if I really would want to go out with any of them and the checkmarks are more to feed my ego and see if I was right by picking them. Of course if none of the three checked their boxes and I am told nobody is interested in me I won’t leave the house for the year and will probably urinate it various bottles that I will store in my pantry.
Have you, would you, or could you ever do speed dating?