(This is from 2006.)
Andy Dick is well, a dick.
Last night I made my official debut as a stand up philosopher. I had a great time and I want to thank all my friends for coming out to support me. I really appreciate the time you set aside to come there last night.
I would like to share with everyone some of the valuable lessons I learned last night at the hands of Andy Dick.
Mr. Dick showed up last night to watch a one of his friends and ended up making it an interesting night for all involved. Let’s just say never has been a name more fitting than his. Here are some lessons I learned from The Dick, Andy Dick.
1) Order a drink from the cocktail waitress before you attempt to order a blowjob.
It’s just classier to do that.
2) You should never pose the question give me blow or a blow(job) within the first five minutes of conversation with anyone.
That might not be the proper way to greet someone. I’m just saying, especially someone that is and is friends with people that are read by thousands and thousands of people. Just because someone isn’t famous doesn’t mean word won’t get around for your overall douchebaggery.
3) Dropping the N-Word with no real punch line in a room that is 65 percent African American is the quickest way to get a crowd to turn against you.
That is probably rather self-explanatory.
4) Once the crowd turns on Andy Dick it makes it a hell of a lot easier for someone making their official standup comedy debut to make jokes about him.
Pointing at my friend Jeremy: (paraphrasing)
“Thank god for you Andy Dick is here, now you are the second biggest homo in the room.”
5) There is such a thing as drinking too much and making a total ass out of yourself.
I thought it was all just a myth but apparently you can drink too much and redefine everyone in a buildings opinion of you in one evening.
6) When meeting strangers your opening line should never be, ” Do you have any coke?”
It will give the impression that you are kind of a fading star that has some serious issues that need to be worked out.
So those are the lessons I learned from TV’s Andy Dick last night. These are all lessons you can use in your everyday life; you can thank Andy Dick or me later.