There is nothing worse in life than walking into a room and knowing that you shouldn’t touch anything in said room or you will probably need a booster shot. I’m not Howie Mandel or anything but there are some places that just scream disease. Through in depth scientific research I have determined the five dirtiest places known to mankind.
5) The public hot tub of any hotel
Even though they pump these hot tubs with enough chlorine to melt the skin off of a newborn child these cesspools are never truly clean.
When I was leaving the hotel in Saratoga this weekend there was caution tape around the hotel hot tub. That means either urine, semen, or vomit was heavily involved in that hot tub the previous night. Either that or someone from the Johnson and Garner wedding party was drowned in a chicken fight gone horribly wrong.
4) The Finagle a Bagel bathroom across the street from Boston Common
Any bathroom that is publicly accessible next to a large park is ripe for abuse. I think the Finagle a Bagel bathroom is the public bathhouse for the homeless. For the life of me I can’t figure out how inches of dirt can get on a wall nor what the smell is that emanates from there.
Also judging by what is on and around the toilet, the mounted Police march their horses in there to crap. Which while impressive from a tactical level it doesn’t make the place any more hygienic.
3) The back alley behind any restaurant
A wretched stench and a film of grease cover everything within 100 feet of the back alley of a restaurant. The asphalt is always stained with some toxic chemical and there is always a rotted lettuce leaf embedded into the ground.
It always makes me question what is being produced in the kitchen and what lengths they go to make what is being put on my plate to look good. You know what? It is probably better that I don’t know.
Of course in some rare cases, like the Livonia Inn (nestled in downtown Livonia, NY), the back alley is actually probably cleaner than the kitchen. I wonder how much the owner had to bribe the health department in order to pass inspection.
2) Anywhere Kid Rock is currently
When you look at him you know that he probably hasn’t taken a shower in two days and smells like a combination of stale cigarette smoke and whiskey. You know that he has to be a carrier of most major STDs.
Plus for some reason I think he carries around the corpse of that little midget that use to hang out with him like the guys in “Weekend at Bernie’s”. How many times do you think his road crew pulled the old, “If you want to get backstage you need to have sex with this midget” gag?
That can’t be hygienic.
1) Any ladies room at an outdoor concert venue during the summer
I don’t care if it is the Jonas Brothers in concert, the symphony, or Metallica the bathrooms at an outdoor concert venue will always be disgusting. For some reason during outdoor concert season people discover the power of alcohol and what happens when you tailgate for four hours or more before a concert.
By the time they make it into the venue they are about to explode on various fronts. When they do none of it ends up in the toilet. This is why I don’t wear sandals to outdoor concerts.
Also ladies, I have to question the whole “hovering” strategy. If you all just sat from the start and didn’t hover wouldn’t the bathrooms be at least 75% cleaner? Hovering over the crapper probably has the fame accuracy rate as carpet-bombing did during the Second World War.
What do you think is the most disgusting place you have been?