In the spring of my senior year of high school the baseball team took a trip down to Florida for spring training. Basically we scrimped and saved all year so we could take our spring break as a team and played some games against other schools from the Northeast that were hampered by the weather and couldn’t practice. Our team was loaded with nine seniors and we had high hopes going into the next season. The training complex was in Cocoa Beach, Florida in what was a run down baseball academy.
Our accommodations were less than swank to say the least; the rooms were full of two sets of bunk beds and were connected to the next room by a shared bathroom. In all his supreme wisdom the head coach decided to put 8 of the seniors together in one suite. This led to all sorts of trouble: smuggled alcohol, tipped over tennis carts, and general shenanigans all of which are entertaining but cannot top the tom foolery that happened towards the end of the week. This is a first hand account of an event that will never be recreated:
(The names have been changed to protect the innocent.)
We had settled in after another shitty cafeteria dinner for a relaxing night of trading farts and pretending to play poker (we all had no idea what we were doing). Todd, who had world famous gas, moseyed into the bathroom to take a level five shit, which if you don’t know is anything larger than a baby’s arm. After taking said shit Todd decided to open and close the door to the adjoining room repeatedly to spread his noxious shit smell into their suite. As you could probably guess the reaction to this activity was not positive.
Coop, our stoner catcher/leftfielder, decided to retaliate with tossing water from the sink in their room onto Todd. As soon as water was involved Todd raised the white flag. But he decided to not flush the toilet and leave the bathroom door open to their room, figuring nobody would catch on that the toilet was not flushed and that the smell would linger. This was MISTAKE 1.
After Todd had retreated into our room Coop made his way into the bathroom and started opening and closing the door so the smell would go into our room, which was a fair response. In between the door opening and closing Coop would take water from the shower and toss it into our room. This transgression was not taken lightly and it was clearly escalating the situation. Retaliation would need to be fast and hard.
Which brings us to MISTAKE 2, I decided that I needed to dip into my pre-made water balloon collection. After the previous years trip to Florida I learned that one needed to be ready just incase Oreo’s were flung at you or if someone was going to wipe their ass with your toothbrush. Having seen those two things done to other people I decided that I needed to arm myself. So on our first night there I made water balloons. Now these weren’t normal water balloons. I had four that were made up of Hi-C fruit punch, three that were made up of shaving cream and water, and the a-bomb of all water balloons: one made with icy hot.
Remember we were coming from the tail end of winter in the Northeast. The combination of sunburn, water balloon hitting sunburn and bursting with icy hot was a lethal combination. So I waited for Coop to open the door before I hurled a Hi-C bomb through the crack bursting all over the wall and Coop. This was met with a very ominous quote:
“You fuckers are going to get it now.”
A couple of minutes went by. You could hear Coop laughing because he had a laugh like a hyena. Along with his cackle you could hear everyone else laughing and a couple of ooooohhhhh’s and “that’s so wrong.” That should have been forewarning because the next time the door open Coop tossed another volley of liquid but this time it was much warmer and smelled like…. PISS. It smelled like piss because well, it was piss. All four of us in the room scrambled to grab our stuff by the door and move it out of the line of fire, Coop was expecting this move and fired again hitting Jason and his entire bag along with my brand new fitted Seattle Mariners hat (it was when they did the uniform change and it was the tits).
The look on Jason’s face was kind of the look Clarice made when she got hit in the face by Miggs’s load in “Silence of the Lambs”.
Our pleas for peace were not met and the scooping of urine out of the toilet continued. In a fit of rage we unleashed two shaving cream bombs into the bathroom. That would be considered MISTAKE 3.
Another minute or two clicked off the clock before the door opened again. This time the cup launched out another substance which stuck the wall by Jason’s bunk. At first we thought it was leftover chew, which Coop did. Jason inspected it further only to tell us the last thing we wanted to hear, “He’s throwing shit!” In the other room one of the guys was laughing so hard he fell off of the top bunk. Our reaction was very different though as soon as we saw the shit roll down the wall like a retarded slinky. A collective scream of profanity induced our coach to enter the room only to see his starting second baseman cleaning shit off the wall.
It was time for retribution, punishment was about to be handed down. After a ten minute tirade with him repeating the phrase, “You guys were throwing shit?” at least ten times he doled out what he thought was a fitting penalty. What did these criminals get? They had to run for half an hour and do our laundry.
How did the run go? They were laughing so hard that they were falling over, our coach gave up.
The laundry? They took it all out of the dryer well before it was done because they wanted to go to bed and our uniforms were still drenched for the next game.
So the punishment did not fit the crime. So we had to get vigilantly justice.
What was our retaliation? We all jerked off into a plastic bag and put it under Coop’s pillow. Ok, not really but that did happen on another school’s senior trip I just didn’t want you guys to think we were pussies that never did anything because we were.
Moral of the Story: Sometimes it isn’t smart to escalate a situation and always flush the toilet so your own shit can’t be used against you.