Let me tell you a little tale about young love.
Back when I was living in Albany I had a period where all my friends graduated and moved out of the area, they were all juniors and seniors when I was a freshman so it was to be expected. I began to make some friends with people that I was working with at the illustrious office supply store Staples. Slowly I became part of a group that included two of my co-workers and their local friends. In this group they have a guy name Nate that hung out with them.
Nate was the guy that caught shit all the time. He was big, dumb, shy and in general a good guy but he was the target for a lot of ball busting. It didn’t seem to phase Nate, he was an extremely good sport about things. I didn’t get on Nate all that much because with me being the new guy in the group I didn’t think it was my place to give him shit.
These guys were all drinkers and we would routinely go out after work. I was their key to the college bar scene and they were my key to the locals’ bar scene, it was a good combination and we hit both of them rather hard. The one thing this group of fellas liked to do was end a night out at a strip club. (Side note: Albany had the best name for a strip club I had ever heard, Silly Sam’s Liquor Stand. That name just cracks me up. And yes, I am easily amused.)
One night we ended up at a strip club late in the evening, all rather roasted. As we sat in perverts’ row (the front row by the stage) we began to keep tossing money in front of Nate so the girls would go and dance in front of him, kiss him on the cheek, and rubs their mounds of love in his face. As the night progressed it became obvious that Nate was rather fond of one of the girls. We kept trying to convince him to get a lap dance but he refused because he was so shy. The idea of just buying him one was thrown around but in all reality he would have probably either had a heart attack from fright or would have snapped and shanked us all with a rusted butter knife.
Nate was obviously smitten with this lady and we told him that he should just talk to her. Knowing that strippers love to flirt and drain every dime you had we figured that he would at least get some enjoyment and an ego boost from this girl talking to him. Granted we all knew that it was just to take his money because strippers are evil incarnate but to Nate it would be something he probably would hold onto for a bit. So we kept prodding him to talk to her, when she finally took the stage for the last time that night we made sure that the money was flowing his way so she would be all over him.
At this club the dancers would go up for three songs. Nate was silent and shy through the first song, we all began to bust on him and told him to say something to her. After she walked from the other end of the stage back to Nate she began to dance for him again on stage. She turned around and stuck her ass in his face and Nate uttered the most romantic things I have ever heard in my entire life:
“I want to chef your dumper.”
What the hell did that mean? It was the first and only time in my entire life that I saw the entire perverts row of a strip club start to laugh when the stripper turned around with a look of utter disgust on her face asking, “What the fuck did you just say?”
It goes without saying that the brief infatuation between Nate and the stripper was over. We asked Nate why he said that and all he could say was, “You guys wanted me to talk, it was the first thing that came into my head.”
Now I know why nobody ever asked him what he was thinking.
So next time you are cuddling up with a loved one, whisper in their ears, “I want to chef your dumper.” I think we should turn it into the new, “I love you.”
What is the least romantic thing you have ever heard?