The dating saga continues…. After not finding anyone that I liked off of Craigslist.com or in real life I decided to turn towards the internet yet again. This time I put up profiles on Match.com and Adultfriendfinder.com, to mixed results.
Now for those of you that don’t know adultfriendfinder.com is basically a website for people looking to … well as the kids say it, “bang”. I set my profile up on there just like I did on the other websites, basically a copy of my about page. This set me apart from all the other guys on the site who basically talked about their cock sizes and how they wanted to split a lady into two. One of the side problems of this is that my profile was so different, so I had guys sending me messages saying things like, “I don’t hit on guys or anything so don’t get the wrong idea. But your profile was one of the funniest things I have ever seen on here.”
While I appreciate these kind words when it is coming from profile with an avatar of his dick it kind of loses all meaning. In fact it made me fear opening my inbox on there. Praise is all well and good but when you have to look at another man’s junk to get it, well I would rather go on wondering if anyone thought it was funny.
The good thing about adultfriendfinder.com is that there is a shit load of nude pictures, of course you usually can’t put a face with these nude pictures so you have no idea what you are going to get. I was on the site for a few weeks and really didn’t approach anyone because I was mostly disgusted by what I was seeing on there. To be bluntly honest, all the good looking women were hookers or fake websites and all the rest were girls that had um… “a glandular problem”.
One day I received a message from someone on there that threw some quotes at me from the Simpsons. We exchanged messages for a few days and then decided to get a quick bite to eat together. Since I was new to Buffalo this person volunteered to pick me up, which I was a little leery of but decided why the hell not.
Now the only picture on their profile was of an upper torso and breasts. While they were nice, I figured that the personality aspect really kind of made this a decent choice. Little did I know that I should have asked some more qualifying questions…. like are your crippled or possibly severely deformed?
When we got to the restaurant my “date” got of the car and walked liked Quasimodo half bent over. One of her legs was severely longer than the other, giving her a very interesting gait. We went into the restaurant and ate, while the conversation was good all I could think about was that she was freaking me out a little bit. Then I started to question if it made me totally shallow that I couldn’t date someone that walked like Yoda? Shouldn’t the chemistry and the personality outweigh the looks, or does there need to be some base level of attraction?
The chemistry angle kind of went out the window when I asked her about her experiences on the website, basically she was a massive cum dumpster for any guy looking to get their freak on. She had slept with over 60 guys from the site in a few year period. And if there was no available guy when she wanted one she made sure to get on her webcam and give some of her friends across the world a good show. When your date ends a paragraph with, “It is so damn hard to type with one hand”…. well you tend to feel a little uncomfortable.
She then changed the topic of conversation to what was going to go on between us.
Her: You know what, I don’t get a sense that THIS is going to happen tonight.
Me: What do you mean this?
Her: You and me fucking.
I tried to explain that while I was flattered I wasn’t really a first date sex kind of guy. (Ok, maybe that was a white lie.) And that since this was two days after my car accident I should probably take it easy, so there would be no boom-boom for Bobby. We talked for a couple of more minutes and then headed back to her car. When we got to my house I thanked her for picking me up, she them informed me that she was a licensed physical therapist and would love to give me a massage followed by blow job.
I pondered this for about 2 seconds, but all I could think about was her hovering over my bed like:
I promptly went inside and deleted my adultfriendfinder.com account…
What is the best lie you have told to get out of sex?