Yes in two days it is my birthday; a few years ago I released a book on my birthday… Instead of giving you the gift of typos and poor grammar this year I am going to focus on myself and give you a list of what I want for my birthday. However since I am so benevolent I want to compile a list that will truly help the world:
1) Courtney Love to spontaneously combust– I don’t know the physics behind it or how it is possible but someone out there smarter than I am will. Maybe you have to give her like thirty alka-seltzers or something. Perhaps mix pop rocks with Pepsi, I don’t know but I want this to happen. Additional points if she covers a camera crew from TMZ in blood and gives them HIV so I don’t have to watch their crappy guerilla interviews anymore.
2) To see Brooke Hogan’s nuts– I know she has junk. I don’t want to see her shriveled and tucked penis in a sexual way. It is more of a whole “prove Kevin is right” sort of thing. This should remove her from the airways and relegate her to doing cabaret shows with Liza Minnelli impersonators.
3) The complete elimination of syphilis– You’re welcome Baltimore.
4) The removal of all pirate, ninja, Chuck Norris, and Star Wars jokes from the internet– In one swoop I just took care of half of the crappy pages on stumbleupon and removed 90% of the dumbest jokes on the web. Find other comedic crutches to fall on losers, here are some of mine: anal fisting, plunger rape, single moms, Menudo, and Richard Simmons. (Okay that is the first time I mentioned Menudo in my blog, but I have been saving up a ton of Menduo jokes for a rainy day.)
5) Segways for everyone!!!– Sure it was hyped as the invention that was going to change the world but it miserably failed. Gob brought it back though and now I have seen the light. Really what says efficent like me going to the mailbox on a Segway? Plus I really want to try and drive one while totally hammered, I want to see how that ends up. “Guy that writes crappy humor blog killed in only fatal Segway accident ever.”
6) The elimination of all left handed people– This is a dream that I will never give up on.
Anything I forgot?