This is part of my looking for love in all the wrong places series.
After doing some self evaluation I was ready to hit the dating world. The thing was I wasn’t sure where to start, sure I could drive an hour to hang out with all my friends that I had grown up with but I wanted to establish a rule that I can’t date anyone longer than a twenty minute drive from me. So while looking up hookers on craigslist (kidding, I’m too cute to pay) to make fun of I decided to drop into their personals section. I mean you can get an apartment, furniture, a job, and just about anything else you can think of from that site. Why not a girlfriend?
Instead of going in and reading the women seeking men section I decided to check out the men looking for women section. Personally I figured if I could scope out the competition I should be able to figure out how to land a date. So I took down some notes of the top guys I was against.
Competition Number 1:
“Is your boyfriend or hubby neglecting yoru needs? Too busy to satisfy you? Has he forgotten how? Just bored or curious? I’m your new friend, with great sensual benefits without complications (and without batteries required). I’m 38, married, but not getting what I need in the bedroom. I’m 5’11”, 225 pounds, athletic to large build, with brown hair, goatee/moustache, brown eyes, and a rugged, handsome, teddy bear appearance I’ve been told. And a 9″ cock to boot, if size matters to you!”
Why my ad would be better: To start out with I think his posts sounds like a pharmaceutical ad on television. Are you bloated? Do you occasionally not feel fresh? Is your flow not regulated? You might suffer from IBS/Overeating/Restless Leg syndrome! I weigh less than he does and am an inch taller, so I have that going for me which is nice.
Oh and I might want to throw in the fact that I AM NOT MARRIED. I hope his wife is the one person that actually replies to his ad.
Plus when I think of “teddy bear appearance” all I can think of is this:
So I have to be at least 95% less hairy than this dude.
Where he beats me: “And a 9″ cock to boot” he was so cavalier about it. I do have to question if he was measuring from the back of his balls though. He didn’t make it clear.
Competition Number 2:
“Hi, I am a bisexual male in my twenties and am looking for a girl who is cool with a guy being bi. I have had a difficult time telling girls
this, so I sort of see craigslist as a way to come right out front and say that i am into both girls and guys. Not really looking for a serious relationship (although anything is possible). I also plan to keep being bi on the dl, so this is something you must be understanding about. Otherwise, I am normal, educated, professional guy. I am decent looking and fit, and intelligent. I’m not really expecting too many replies to this, but if it is something you are interested in send me a note. A pic would be cool as well. If you think you might eventually want to try mmf with 2 bi-guys that would be a plus.”
Where I beat him: Well when I saying I am off watching the game with the boys you don’t have to worry about me being the pivot man in a massive circle jerk. Plus you don’t have to keep a massive secret about my life away from everyone I know, well except for that one thing that happened with those bodies in my trunk.
Where he beats me: I’m sure he’d like to.
The MMF threesome, you won’t see me being on one of your Chinese finger cuffs fantasy anytime soon.
Competition Number 3:
” Title: DO YOU LIKE PINA COLADA?
Getting caught in the rain? Divorced, no kids, great job, great looker, none smoker, no drugs, healthy, brown eyes, great smile. And you?”
Where I beat him: First of all I wouldn’t rip off a shitty song and if I did rip off a shitty song I would at least get the lyrics right. Second of all… wait does it even matter if there is a second?
Where he beats me: He doesn’t.
After reading that last ad I was ready to go and post my ad on craigslist.com… While my post was a 1,000 times better than any of these, the results weren’t all that good.
Tomorrow: The Results of posting an ad
Which ad was the worst of the three?