After checking out the competition I posted my ad on craigslist, which was essentially my old MySpace page with some slight modifications. I received a good amount of messages back, including a guy telling me where all the good glory holes in Buffalo were. So you know, if this whole dating thing doesn’t work I have that information, you know… just in case.
A little side note: Who the hell want to be on the other side of a glory hole? I don’t get it. Does someone wake up in the morning and think to themselves, “What should I do today? Oh I know, I feel like sitting on the other side of a hole and having strange cock shoved in my face all day, maybe I will catch a shot in the eye!!!!”
So besides the glory hole guy I had a wide range of responses. After eliminating the people that didn’t spell check their messages or gave away too much information like, “I was recently in a disfiguring car accident.” (FYI- Not a good way to open an e-mail.) I narrowed it down to a handful of people worth talking to. Of course I learned shortly after talking to many of them that I needed to avoid Craigslist totally.
Person 1: Do you have a racial preference?
One response was from a girl that was going to grad school here in Buffalo. She was in her mid twenties, seemed witty and smart in our few e-mail exchanges. She asked for my IM screen name one night and I gave it to her. Let me give you a quick summation of our conversation.
(picking up after the small talk)
her: do you have a racial preference?
me: no, I don’t (translation: I hope to Christ you are Asian)
her: let me send you a picture
An artists rendering:
She looked like John Coffey from the Green Mile but with long hair. Her picture was her at Niagara Falls and she towered over every person in the picture, she had to be between six foot two and six foot three and about two hundred and twenty five pounds. Maybe I shallow but I couldn’t date a sasquatch. I politely told her I had to go after talking for a few more minutes.
Person 2: Wait how many dogs do you have?
I moved onto the next person that sounded interesting. This was a girl that lived in the towards me, had a good job, and seemed really nice. We went out to dinner twice but the more I learned about her the more I knew she wasn’t right for me. During one of our dates I pointed out that she had a clump of dog hair on her arm, she then mentioned that she had five dogs. That was a red flag, if you don’t live on a farm you shouldn’t have five of any one type of animal unless it is a fish.
Who would ever get five dogs? What does that say about a person? Are they really into animals that much? Are they that lonely? (Insert peanut butter joke here.) Isn’t this something that I should be worried about?
After dinner that night I told her I enjoyed talking to her but we would be better off just being friends. In all honesty I just had a deep seeded fear of one of her dogs licking my sack while having sex and me possibly enjoying it.
Person 3: I can’t date anyone smarter than I am.
The most promising response was from a doctoral candidate. She came off as witty and thought I was funny, really what more could I ask for?
I would like to consider myself a pretty sharp guy but after talking to this girl I was reduced to feeling like a complete idiot. Since she was a doctoral candidate in a field related to English she used words that nobody uses in everyday conversation. I was kind of worried that I would need to have a dictionary next to the bed so I could look up any words I didn’t understand that she might spout out during dirty talk.
“Transfix your member into the recesses of my hegemony.”
While we remain friends I kind of figured that she wasn’t for me. While I want to date someone mildly intelligent I can’t feel like the dumbest person in the room by far day in and day out. I get that enough at grad school, why would I want that in my personal life?
Craigslist was obviously becoming a waste, I figured maybe I should change it up and reply to some ads.
Tomorrow: Craigslist Part 3: Back in Training