Since posting an ad didn’t really work out all that well I decided that maybe I should check out the women on craigslist and see what they had to offer. One of the problems you run into is examining the ads and trying to determine what is what. Finding a real person on craigslist and not a fake ad that is actually porn is an acquired skill.
The first couple of ads I replied to ended up filling my inbox with information for porn websites and another reminder where glory holes in Buffalo were. Eventually I decided to only reply to ads that were truly unique. But before I cover the ads I replied to I want to share with a truly heartwarming ad:
So a couple weeks ago, I see this ad (yes I look at ALL of the
categories)by a lady looking to have a 3some with two guys. I’m
thinking, damn she’s got balls. I could never admit to being so turned
on by such a thing, even though it’s been a huge fantasy for years. I
actually sent her an email about it and she was kind enough to answer.
She said she got far more emails than she could answer, mostly from
guys with no pic or personal information telling her how great they
were, but also some really good and sincere responses. She told me she
had got together with not one but TWO pairs of really nice and
alarmingly young college men who treated her wonderfully- and that she
had no regrets whatsoever.
So I thought, what the hell. Why not try it too. Of course, that
girl is several years younger than I, and her ass is half the size of
mine, but maybe I’ll hear from some nice handsome horny young guys too.
In case you didn’t see her ad, here it is. I’m just cutting and
pasting it, because I feel there’s nothing I’d have to add or take away
from it. Like Baby Bear’s porridge, it’s just right.
Newly single and reasonably attractive, I want to fulfill a fantasy
of having 2 guys at once. Must be two friends, or at least
acquintences. I don’t want to deal with any conflicts between
strangers, nor do I have the experience to go about setting something
like this up. Also, it has to take place in a motel- which I will pay
for- as I want to keep this as anonymous as possible, at least at
first. You both should be clean, polite and relatively fit. Hung would
be nice,(as my ex was teeny) but not a requirement. Also, probably not
much over 40 at the very oldest. A SMALL bit of booze or 420 is ok but
absolutely nothing stronger. I mean it. Straight, bi or bi-curious are
all ok, but I want to be the focus of attention. Everything must be
safe. NO anal (unless I and ONLY I suggest it). Everything else is ok,
but nothing rough. I hope to get some positive responses and will
probably only respond to those with a pics. Thanks
Wow … just wow, she was inspired by a woman living her dream and getting stuffed by a pair of friends. Apparently you can get whatever you want on craigslist including a pair of stiff ones thrown in you, but not in the ass… well only if she suggests it. I am sickened yet inspired all at the same time.
Person 1- Honest Abe
Back to the matter at hand and my replies to two ads, the first ad I found was someone that was currently in med school and that they had interest in a lot of various things. They were looking for someone that was completely their opposite, which was something that I found interesting. They basically liked the idea of dating someone with a completely different set of interests because they figured they would learn and experience new things. I shot them an e-mail and we exchanged messages for a bit, one day she mentioned that she had a lot of ink and wanted to share with me her favorite tattoo, she sent me a picture of it:
I shit you not, she has a giant tattoo of Abraham Lincoln. This created so many questions in my mind. Was he her favorite President ever? I am a big FDR guy but I don’t know if I would get him put on my arm. Actually then I would have to decide if I wanted him sans wheelchair or not, which would have been its own set of issues.
Back to Abe… My biggest issue was I started to question if I could ever sleep with someone with a giant picture of Abe Lincoln on their body? Would I be too freaked out by it? Would she want me to read her the Gettysburg address for foreplay? Does she rub pennies on her nipples to get turned on? How does this all work? It was too much for my mind to handle and I had to move on.
Person 2- Porn and chicken
To put it bluntly she had a kick ass ad:
Listen, it’s Monday night. Which means one of two things.
Nbr.1 – You’re going to watch Monday night football and attempt to once
again balance that beer on your belly (I can hold it in my cleavage!)
Nbr.2- It’s chicken and porn night at the old Pink and none of your
friends have the fine appreciation for neither chicken, nor bad 70’s
pornography. Or they’re fucking liars, every single one of them.
So I’m bored, you’re bored, and since I’ve lost the latest flamewar
on fark.com, I have nothing to do on the internet except post this. So
now I’m asking you out, oh internet boy, lets go get a drink/multiple
shots at the Pink, watch porn and discuss the great issues of the day.
I can boast the following qualities
A. I’m reasonably attractive (read: my monthly maintinence costs arn’t
outrageous but could feed a small South African family for a month, I’m
assuming anyway, I don’t know the exchange rate from haircut to
B. I smell great.
C. I’m pretty fucking smart, for a girl anyway. I’ve solved the
Middle east crisis multiple times, unfortunatly, these times always
come as I’m about to drift off to sleep and the next morning I wake up
only thinking about bacon.
D. I’m a firm believer in bacon wrapped anything, not so much a virtue as good taste.
So if you’ve got two brain cells to rub together, won’t get grabby
and like porn and chicken send me an email with a picture, a short
description of how you spent your Columbus Day morning and why you
think David Bowie didn’t achieve all of the fame he deserved from
P.S If you are creepy, I will be creepier back.
P.P.S If you don’t send a picture, I won’t reply. If you send a picture
and my reaction is “I’d hit that, with a truck” I’ll still reply to
tell you I’m just not interested despite your masculine wiles because
everybody deserved to know exactly WHERE their email went.
Alright, so kiss me or get out of the car.
I exchanged messages with this girl and we ended up getting a beer together. She really fit the descriptions she wrote about herself but there was one thing she fibbed about, her age… She was 20. I didn’t know if I could go back to dating someone that couldn’t legally drink with me, plus we both had different expectations, she only wanted to have sex and I was looking for… wait a second… How dumb am I? I need to go look up her phone number.
What President would you get tattoo’d onto your arm?